How to Establish No Contact with Parent as a Christian {Going no Contact with Parents}
Sometimes going no contact with parent is necessary for your peace and sanity. Here’s how in 5 easy steps.
Going no contact with parents was one of the hardest things I’ve done in my life. But it was only made hard by other Christians making me feel guilty for not continuing a relationship with them. I’m going to break down how it is Biblical to not only go no contact with a parent but also how to have confidence in your decision.
I grew up in a highly abusive home with a narcissistic mother. One that I struggled to learn how to forgive for years. You can read my testimony of abuse here.
My father is also a toxic parent and a narcissist, who came in and out of my life when it was convenient for him. Never took an interest in me (in fact he has disowned me as his daughter more times than I could keep track of), only calls when he needs something, and doesn’t even know my children’s names.
There were only two reasons why I was still speaking to these two people:
- Because I was related to them by blood and they have the title of Mother and Father in my life.
- Because I know the
Bible says to honor your Mother and Father and I thought that included keeping close contact with them.
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Deciding to go no contact with my parents came down to these three questions:
1. Why do People Go No Contact with Parents?
Going no contact with parents is often a difficult and painful decision that an adult child makes as a last resort to protect their mental health and well-being. There are many reasons why someone might choose this path:
- Abuse or neglect is one of the most common reasons for cutting off contact. This can include physical, psychological, sexual, or emotional abuse, as well as severe neglect during childhood. Even if the abuse has stopped, the lasting trauma and lack of accountability from parents can make maintaining a relationship untenable.
- Toxic behavior is another frequent cause. This may involve constant criticism, manipulation, guilt-tripping, manipulative behavior, or refusing to respect boundaries. In some cases, parent may have untreated mental health issues (like having a narcissistic parent) or substance abuse problems that make healthy interactions impossible.
- Fundamental disagreements on core values or lifestyle choices can also lead to estrangement. This could include conflicts over belief systems, political views, sexual orientation or choice of partner. When parents are unable to accept their adult child’s autonomy and life decisions, it can create an insurmountable rift.
There is a huge difference between getting into a disagreement with your parent and walking way verses having a parent that chooses to continually harm you.
2. Can you keep your relationship and still have peace in your life?
Do one or both of your parents disrupt your life every time you talk or interact with them?
Do you spend time after each conversation analyzing what was said, how the conversation turned for the worse, and how you can set better boundaries next time?
Does every interaction leave you feeling worse than before it started? Whether your parent is criticizing you, gaslighting, or manipulating you?
I knew every time my phone would ring with either of my parents’ names my heart would start racing, and I would always hesitate to answer. With my narcissistic mother, her nonsensical conversations left me dizzy trying to figure out what she was saying or why she was saying them. With my narcissistic father, I wondered what he wanted and how he would try to guilt or manipulate me into doing whatever he asked.
These obviously are unhealthy relationships. But I kept taking their calls because I felt like I had to. That I was breaking some sort of rule if I didn’t solely because they held the title of “parent” in my life.
3. Are you being retraumatized by your parent when you interact with them?
When I was diagnosed with cPTSD I began reading a book called Complex PTSD: From Surviving to Thriving and there is a part in the book that talks about when the author’s therapy patient talks to his mother he is being retraumatized. My jaw dropped as realization set in that this was happening every time I spoke to my mother. In fact, it happened every time I spoke with my brother also.
When a parent has created trauma in your life and hasn’t taken accountability for that trauma by first acknowledging what they did and then taking the necessary steps to change that behavior they are most likely continuing to perpetuate trauma.
And the way trauma is stored in the body, (as learned from the book How the Body Keeps the Score) if it sounds the same, looks the same, smells the same, etc…your body is going to react as if it is reliving the initial trauma. Essentially, your parent(s) can trigger a trauma response just by talking to you and acting as they’ve always acted.
If your answer to the first question is no and the second question is yes, it may be time to take the necessary steps to cut ties and no contact.
How to Go No Contact While Still Honoring Your Parent
A few months ago, my mother created a new Facebook page and commented on a public post of mine trying to guilt me into speaking to her by quoting this scripture.
Ephesians 6:1-3 says “Children, obey your parents in the Lord, for this is right. 2 “Honor your father and mother,” which is the first commandment with promise: 3 “that it may be well with you and you may live long on the earth.”
These verses are what I struggled with the most when deciding to go no contact. How can you honor your parent if you don’t speak to them?
You honor your parents by praying for them, blessing them, and loving them. You can do all of that, without contacting them.
My mother knows that I will always be here for her, if she needs something besides access to further traumatize me, all she needs to do is send a text or leave a voicemail.
How to Establish No Contact with Parent (s)
Start with boundaries.
This is what I would like to call a “soft launch” to no contact for those who struggle with this concept.
I want to clarify that boundaries have nothing to do with forgiveness. It is lovely to get to a place of forgiveness for those that hurt you in your life. But forgiveness is letting go of hurt- not allowing people to continue to hurt you. That’s why boundaries are necessary.
Forgiveness should always be coupled with boundaries. Because once someone has broken your trust and/or safety, a boundary needs to be put in place so that you can protect yourself and your peace. Otherwise, toxic people will always take advantage of you for not having boundaries.
The first thing to remember is- boundaries are standards that you set for your behavior. You get to set your own criteria for how people treat you in your life. You get to determine what you accept, tolerate, and participate in.
Examples of boundaries:
- I will not allow people access to me who are consistently critical of me, my children, my lifestyle, etc.
- I will not allow people access to me who refuse to acknowledge the hurt and pain they have caused in my life and force to me act as if nothing happened.
- I will not allow people to have access to me who cannot grow from their mistakes, make right their wrongs, or try to reestablish trust where they have broken my trust.
- I will not allow people to have access to me who disrespect me.
- I will not allow people to have access to me who make me feel worthless, insignificant, ignorant, etc.
How will you enforce your boundaries?
Now that you have an idea of some healthy boundaries, you can decide how you would like to enforce them.
Here are some options for enforcing boundaries in a healthy way:
- Silently.
- Once you know what your boundaries are, and someone crosses them you can enforce these boundaries by stepping away from this person without telling them why.
This is needed in situations where you know that a conversation about why you are stepping away will only cause more conflict. Sometimes, this is necessary for relationships with people who cannot resolve conflict and are unwilling to change.
- Once you know what your boundaries are, and someone crosses them you can enforce these boundaries by stepping away from this person without telling them why.
- Making your boundaries known and giving a chance for growth.
- Once a boundary is crossed you can flat out say to the person “I no longer tolerate disrespect. And I will not allow access to people who disrespect me.” You can either end the conversation there or say “If you choose to continue to disrespect me you will no longer have access to my life.” You can insert any boundary into these example sentences.
Once a boundary is set, acknowledge that it is not your responsibility to fix what another adult is doing. A person has to recognize that they have an issue and be willing to fix that issue for any change to happen. You do not have to feel guilty for realizing that someone else’s issue is negatively impacting you to the point that you do not want to be harmed by their actions anymore.
What does the Bible say About Going No-Contact?
If you’re an avid studier of the word of God like me, you know that “no contact” of course does not appear in the
Jesus established firm boundaries when He sent out His disciples to preach in Matthew chapter 10:5-15. He told His disciples that the households that did not receive them they should “shake off the dust from their feet”, meaning to walk away from them.
Romans 12:18 says: “If it is possible, as much as depends on you, live peaceably with all men.” Our aim should be to live peaceably with everyone, but sometimes peace is not within our control.
We can set a boundary and people can break it. We can have people in our lives who are determined to dismantle our peace brick by brick. In relationships, you can only control yourself, and never the actions of others.
When the
But know this, that in the last days perilous times will come: For men will be lovers of themselves, lovers of money, boasters, proud, blasphemers, disobedient to parents, unthankful, unholy, unloving, unforgiving, slanderers, without self-control, brutal, despisers of good, traitors, headstrong, haughty, lovers of pleasure rather than lovers of God, having a form of godliness but denying its power. And from such people turn away! 2 Timothy 3: 1-5
What does no contact mean to you?
Once you have established your boundaries and your parents are clearly not respecting them, it’s time to go no contact. But what does that even mean?
If you’re anything like me, I was conditioned as a child to please my parents, never talk back, never say no, and always comply. So this may be extremely hard to do. But remember this: you do not have to sacrifice your peace for anyone. What you were taught as a child, and what you were conditioned to do–does not make it right. And it certainly doesn’t mean that you cannot learn to stick up for yourself.
No contact means all communication stops.
- No phone calls
- No meeting at family gatherings
- No texts, emails, or any other form of communication
This is not a punishment for those that have harmed you. It is self-protection from further harm, trauma, and/or abuse.
You are worth protecting. You are worthy of peace. A title of “parent” doesn’t overwrite that.
Preparing for a smear campaign & flying monkeys
If either or both of your parents are narcissists a smear campaign and flying monkeys are something that you need to prepare for.
For narcissists, they have to cover their image so once they realize that you have gone no contact they cannot allow their image to be negatively impacted. So they will most likely start a smear campaign against you. They will need to come up with a reason why their child isn’t speaking to them. And that reason most certainly cannot be them.
A smear campaign is a way to discredit you so that when you tell the truth no one will believe you. You can read more about smear campaigns here.
My mother and sister have both done this to me. However, what has helped me the most through these campaigns is knowing who I am. And that if people would rather believe lies about me than actually get to know who I am it is their loss.
You do not need to concern yourself with people who would rather believe rumors about you than get to know who you are as a person.
That doesn’t make this any less hurtful and harmful. But it is something that you should mentally prepare for.
A person who is willing to bring you down in order to elevate themselves most likely does not have the mental capacity to take accountability for their actions and change. This is why boundaries are so important. If a healthy conversation isn’t enough to bring about change in a person when they are hurting you, then they are not going to stop hurting you.
Flying monkeys are the people in a narcissist’s circle that will help them smear your name. Or try to guilt trip you into complying with their toxic behavior. If your parent is a narcissist, this would usually mean your siblings, close friends of the family, and/or other family members.
If you are unfamiliar with flying monkeys you can read more about them here.
Does no contact have to be permanent?
Sometimes, going no contact is a temporary measure to create space for healing and personal growth. It can allow individuals to break free from dysfunctional family dynamics, establish their own identity, and learn to set healthy boundaries. In other cases, it may be a permanent decision if reconciliation seems impossible or undesirable.
The goal for most people who set boundaries is reconciliation. Anyone can change and grow and stop harming you. The point of a boundary in this case is to keep you safe and give you peace until that boundary isn’t needed anymore.
In my experience and in the experience of many others who need to go no contact with their parents, serious change has to happen before contact can be made again. And usually, that serious change is only brought about by either therapy or when an adult is brought so low in life that they recognize that they have to change.
Set realistic expectations.
If a person needs to change, most likely there is a skill that they are missing and will need to learn. Whether that is emotional intelligence, anger management, communication skills, empathy, maturity, etc. You do not wake up overnight with these skills just because you are sorry.
Recommending to this person that they seek help is a great place to start. There are books, podcasts, youtube videos, etc that are easily accessible. And there is also therapy. Seeing a therapist can change someone’s life and their relationships and I would recommend that they start there if it is something they can access.
If a person takes the time to change and grow there is always a possibility for a healthy relationship. By the time you get to a point of questioning whether you go no contact or not, you most likely know if a person is willing to grow and make the changes necessary to have a healthy relationship with you. You can set realistic expectations based on that.
Conclusion
It is ok to understand that you need peace and protection in your life whether that is from a stranger or your own parent. We can have grace and understand that our parents may have been traumatized as children and they are perpetuating that trauma onto us. But that doesn’t mean that we have to accept it.
If you decide to go no contact with your parent, I understand how difficult that is and I am praying that it ends with a healthy relationship, and if it doesn’t, I am praying for your peace.
