Seeing God in my brokenness | My Testimony Part 12
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There is something truly amazing about a believer’s relationship with God. No matter how hard we push away, even if we tell ourselves that we hate God, He still loves us. Not only does He love us, but He works in us for our greater good. I’m so grateful for this as I look back at my rebellion against God. I may have been angry with my mother, and my circumstances, but I was most angry with Him. Yet He still loved me.
This is the twelfth post in this series, to start from the beginning, please click here.
Disclaimer: I wrote this in 2013 to share my testimony with the world in the hopes of helping other children faced with abuse. Most times, you will be the only person to advocate for a child that cannot stand up for themselves. Children in abusive situations are taught to conceal every aspect of abuse, so if you by chance are able to see something, it may be the only opportunity for rescue a child has. Please take the appropriate steps to report child abuse. I have since rewritten and updated these posts to make them more understandable and up to my current writing standards.
Keeping God at a close distance
While in junior high, I spent a lot of time with my other best friend. Her family was Christian and I would go to their church. Her mom suggested we try out a youth group together and so we would occasionally go.
I remember always talking to God at church asking Him why I was in the position I was in. What had I done wrong?
And whenever I felt myself getting closer to God I purposefully pulled away. My soul wanted to desperately know Him, but my heart was too angry.
When I got into high school I started talking to God a lot. I never really asked Him for things, or for Him to save me from my situation, because I had lost confidence in Him. But I talked to Him all the time.
I know He gave me a lot of wisdom while I was in high school. As I saw the girls around me lose their virginity to guys that they thought they would marry but the relationship would only last for two weeks, I decided that I wanted to stay a virgin until I got married.
I had a boyfriend during most of high school, and of course, there was pressure but I always felt God telling me no. That it wasn’t worth it and that sex was something extremely sacred that I should only experience with my husband.
My transition from junior high to high school brought about a change in me that I could never explain until I started reading and understanding the Bible and understanding sanctification.
I had some pretty extreme anger issues back then. I longed to take my anger out on the people around me because I felt like it was the only outlet that I had.
But something changed.
I used to be extremely quick with my thoughts and my words, but I wasn’t anymore. I was still mean, but I couldn’t tear people down anymore like I used to when I was in junior high school. And I missed it.
I never mentioned it to people but it was something that I thought about constantly.
What had happened to me? I was still really smart, I could still think fast, but I couldn’t talk to people the way I used to.
When I opened my mouth to tear someone down, words wouldn’t come together like they used to and I felt stupid.
Being able to talk to people the way I did was something that I would take pride in and I didn’t have it in me anymore. It was like someone reached into me and stole one of my securities.
The physical side effects
As I moved into high school, my life at home was getting worse and worse. By this time, my mom had found a punishment that she knew would get to me. She took Kathleen away.
Kathleen and I had decided to paint a wall in my room without asking my mother. I knew she would say no anyway and I wasn’t allowed to do anything so I figured whatever the punishment was, it would be worth it.
But my mom took punishment to a new low by banning Kathleen from our house and saying I couldn’t be friends with her anymore. That didn’t stop our friendship, but it definitely changed my home life. Now I was truly alone.
With Kathleen gone, my mom didn’t feel the need to hold back how she wanted to treat me.
I started getting migraines that would last for days. And no amount of headache medication would make them go away.
It would get so bad that when I would go to my best friend’s house she would hide all of the pills in her house to make sure I wouldn’t take them all.
The migraines scared me so much that I forced my mom to take me to the doctor’s to get an MRI. It came back completely normal.
I didn’t realize until I moved out and the headaches stopped that they were from the stress of living with my mother.
God’s relentless attempts
There were so many times while I was in high school that I felt God calling me back to Him.
But I refused.
I wasn’t willing to stop smoking weed, or cussing, or sneaking out of the house. I was so angry.
I wanted Him to fix everything and then I would submit to Him.
I gave Him ultimatums all the time and I never followed through on my end. I would wonder why He had me in the situation I was in. And I would tell myself over and over whatever didn’t kill me would make me stronger.
I remember in high school always saying that I wanted to go home. And I didn’t mean the apartment I lived in with my mom.
I didn’t know where my home was, but I knew that wasn’t it. I didn’t want to be where I was or anywhere around her.
I had this deep feeling that I belonged somewhere else. Somewhere where I would be loved and taken care of.
Bruce’s welcome home
The end of my summer going into my senior year Bruce got out of jail.
I remember him walking down to Dairy Queen with me and buying me ice cream.
He made it seem like everything was going to go back to the way it was before he was in jail.
That he was a nice guy and everything was going to be great.
He didn’t know that I had read his letters.
I knew my mom had turned him against me and it was only a matter of time before I saw what that would turn into.
And unsurprisingly, I didn’t have to wait long.
“The LORD is near to those who have a broken heart,
And saves such as have a contrite spirit.
Many are the afflictions of the righteous,
But the LORD delivers him out of them all.
He guards all his bones,
Not on of them is broken.”
Would you share this post? I’m writing this series in hopes to help someone. You never know who’s suffering, whether that is an adult who is trying to live in the aftermath of abuse or a child that someone can help, they just need a push to do it.
Next Post: My Testimony | From Surviving Relentless Abuse to a Blissful Life | Part Thirteen (will be available 10/03/2018)
I recently had the pleasure of doing a podcast interview! You can check it out here:
Helping of Happiness Podcast Interview
11. The Last Child Standing | My Testimony Part 11
10. Learning to Survive in a Sea of Brokeness | My Testimony Part 10
My Testimony | From Surviving Relentless Abuse to a Blissful Life | Introduction
Why I Rededicated My Life to Christ
3 Free Encouraging Verse Printables
How to Mom When it’s not Natural
For updates on when my next post is live in this series please subscribe to my blog!
Please feel free to share this, my hope is that through my brokenness I can save other children from abuse.
Are you a victim of abuse? How can I pray for you?